#6 - Advanced Maternal Age - WTF?!?

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

thoughts, mom, doctor, life, woman, advanced maternal age, circumstance, age, pregnancy, head, twin girls, ama, spinning, feeling, noise, strike, friends, carrying, trisha, define

SPEAKERS

Trisha Barita

00:02

Hey there, I'm Trisha Barita. I'm a mother of twin girls, a wife, an entrepreneur, a psychology major, a lawyer, and a coach. With all these different roles in my life, in the past, I truly struggled with limiting beliefs in my ability to adequately juggle all these roles successfully, I often would be frustrated that time and again, I let my goals and dreams always take a backseat to everything else I was trying to do. And those dreams always seem to be on the horizon, just out of reach. Until I discovered tools and thought work to help me tackle and learn to balance all of it. Now, I don't let these titles define my limits. I define my balance in life, by how I choose to show up for myself every day. Am I perfect? Hell no, far from it. But I do work every day to believe in myself, and to be present with whatever I experience in this life, The Good, the Bad, and the really fucking ugly. To own my truth and own my thoughts. I created this podcast to talk about how that noise gets in the way of our goals as women. And now I help women and teach them tools to cut the overwhelm of noise in their life, preventing them from getting the balance they want. If you like this podcast and want to take my free course to get started on designing your balance, and saying fuck that noise, go to TrishaBarita.com/freecourse. Now let's get after it.

02:07

Hello, fabulous friends. So since we're so close to Mother's Day, I thought I would share this story with you. It's one of my first memories into the life of being a mom. So here it goes. First off, I admit that I may have been completely or at least partially ignorant to some of the realities of getting older. I really was just, especially my 20s and 30s I was bopping along through life thinking, yeah, stuff changes, but you know, let's just roll with it. And I'll be honest, it wasn't till I was sitting in the office of my new OB GYN and maternal fetal medicine specialist doctor, after just having found out a few weeks prior that I was pregnant with twins. And most doctor says, You are AMA. I was like one. I just thought I misheard what she said, she didn't she just repeated. Well, you know your AMA, so there's that. And I was like, what? I'm sorry, what did you say I am, then she just looked at me and said very slowly. A M A advanced maternal age. And that's the really the first time I just felt old. I mean, there are these fleeting moments, you know, especially like when you go from like 29 to 30 where you're like, Whoa, wait a minute, am I getting old? You call like all your friends. And you're like, especially your girlfriends, right? You're like, I'm not old, am I? I mean 30 is the new 20. Right? And then you plan like some life changing kick ass way, you're going to embrace this momentous change from the 20s to the 30s. Like maybe some people I knew it like skydiving or, you know, some crazy girls trip or get a tattoo. I don't know, whatever. And I don't know, maybe you know, you didn't maybe you didn't take it well, and you had a date with Ben and Jerry's or bottle wine and watch Bridget Jones. You know, but seriously, I did get a twinge of feeling old when I went from 29 to 30 then, but I shook it off. And frankly, I just played a kick ass ridiculous party that to this day. I'm still happy I threw so, you know, who's cruisin into my 30s. And, you know, even then in my 30s Once in a while, someone someone would mention something like, oh, the kids born now are the graduate In class a blank and I would think, Tim, that can't be right. Because when that kind of makes me old since I graduated so long ago, from high school, or from college, and then I think, yeah, or maybe a conversation with, you know, some young kid, I would have, you know, where they're using a vocabulary word that isn't something, some sort of slang word that isn't on my vocab that I would use on a regular basis, or that I even knew about. And I think, ooh, does that make me old? But usually, even then I would be like, whatever. But let me tell you, when the doctor said to me, advanced maternal age, it was like, all of these thoughts came flooding into my head. All of the thoughts. You're too old, you waited too long. You're doing things outside the norm. Who do you think you are trying to do this as an old lady at the age of 35? I mean, seriously, these were the thoughts in my mind in my head, you know, at that moment. And then I thought, I mean, well, then then I really thought, who came up with this name, advanced maternal age? And I was just, you know, I'd like to say actually here, and now. It's a sucky crappy name. And I'm not sure. And I've done legitimately no research on this guy's so in in I'm relying on nothing I'm saying I just guessing a woman did not come up with that name. Later on, even I asked one of my women friends who happens to be a doctor, and she also was not impressed with the name, advanced maternal age. I mean, this sucky crappy name is not something I think a woman that thinks like me would have come up with, because I would totally have been like, Okay, wait a minute. So this is a name for a woman having a baby at a later stage of her life.

07:02

Do this lady kicks ass. Let's just call this Wonder Woman kick ass age, or boss age. She's owning this part of her life. I mean, anything but advanced maternal age. Anyway. So here I am in the doctor's office in those silly awful, totally not remotely sexy gowns. You were with my hubby Peter huddled in the corner of the room. And this doctor keeps going on and on about things about me. First off, she says, You have a lot going on? And I'm like I do. And she's like, Yeah. Have you ever heard of the game baseball? And I was like, Well, yeah. And she's like, let me tell you what you have going on? Well, you have one strike, because you are of advanced maternal age being 35. And you will be having these kids at 36 years old. And I'm like, okay, then she was like, and the second strike is that you're short. So you aren't going to be able to drive at some point during this pregnancy. And I was like, what? She was like, Yeah, you're five foot and there's nowhere for the babies to go except forward out. So you won't be able to reach the battles of your car. Plus, you lawyer types like to carry a lot of books. So I don't want you carrying anything over five pounds, because you just need to not overdo it. And then I was like, what? I mean, if I could have transformed into Maleficent for a moment, I probably would have. I'd have I was a fiercely independent person. I've never had anyone have to drive me anywhere. This, this sounded like a nightmare. And I'm literally thinking of like strategic arguments, like running through my head to make this doctor understand about how the no driving at some point, and the no carrying over five pounds was not going to work for my lifestyle, and my work. And I keep thinking, you know, how am I going to win this debate with her? But frankly, tell you the doctor seemed wholly unconcerned that I was concerned about these things, and just kept going on. She said, Oh, and strike three is you're having twins. And that's, of course, a whole thing in itself. I think at that point, I was stunned. I just sat there. What she doesn't know is that Peter and I are like ridiculously crazy avid baseball fans. I mean, it was in our wedding vows. So like, when she says all of this, I look over at him. And he's like giving me the exact quizzical look I'm giving him like, does she realize she just explained three strikes like you're out in the game of baseball. So like, basically, we already struck out at me being a pregnant mom just when we were getting started. And I think okay, well, this is going to be fun. And that my friend? Well, it's one of my first introductions to mother. Now, full disclosure. This doctor was amazing. I still think, you know, she doesn't know a lick about baseball, but amazing on her job. And while I'm telling you just a snippet of the first time meeting her, she truly changed and ated the story of my pregnancy in my life, which is definitely a story for another day. But I can't thank her enough and all the other wonderful medical nurses and staff, that were part of my journey as healthcare providers, you know, they deserve all the thank yous we can give them. And I recognize like how lucky and blessed I am in my situation that I was in a place to have the medical care afforded to me that I did get, and, you know, to have this incredible woman surgeon be my doctor, you know, that all that's not lost on me. And since my podcast is likely not to going to be influencing the trajectory of naming medical phrases or conditions of women's life, no, this ama advanced maternal age. While I don't love the name, it really doesn't need to mean anything. I mean, of course, it means science, medical stuff, but between you and me, for all those out there who have ever heard this word send to them the name, it's a bit of noise, isn't it? I think I left that meeting after being so excited about being pregnant beforehand, I left that meeting a bit deflated. And the thing is, I didn't need to feel that way. I wish I could go back and coach that version of me and say, look, the circumstances of how you became a mom or just that. And everything around being a mom at whatever age and whatever label the physicians want to put on. It doesn't define who you are, and how you show up to this thing called motherhood. I mean, I was still thrilled the chance to get to be a mom. But I think at the time, I had all these thoughts.

12:02

Of what if I had done it differently? Why didn't I change the circumstance? What's wrong with me? You know, leading to feelings of guilt that I should have made different choices in my career in life? Was I selfish for not having kids when I was younger? or thoughts about myself and my value as a woman? If this doesn't work out, and I don't become a mom? And what if my body can't figure this out? What then? You know, they certainly weren't crazy, awesome thoughts. And it didn't take much for me to tear myself down into thinking if I can't do this, if I can't become a mom, then what's my value in this world? Is if the only value I had for myself is whether I could be a mom in this world? For without doing that, does that make me someone less worthy than those that could? You see how me explaining these thoughts, though, this was me totally spinning out about this. And I think a lot of it started with the words advanced maternal age. And I'm not going to tell you that the words we use in life don't matter, because I think they do matter. I'm just gonna say that I think how we think about those words matter more. What did I really have control over in that moment? And the answer is this had the ability to control my thoughts about all of it. And I have the ability to take action on how I decide to show up in those moments. There's so many different paths for women. And if your path leads to becoming a mom, it's truly something special to celebrate. But I always caution myself that my path might not have led me that way, for multiple reasons. And that the value of who I am as a woman shouldn't be defined by whether I became a mom, how I became a mom, etc. I think when you reflect on this, it can be useful to pull yourself away and neutralize the circumstance of motherhood, actually, I think about how you, you know, want to approach it, if you were approaching it with another woman, you know, other women in your life family or friends, you know, younger women, or even little ladies like I have in my life, how you would define their worth, if it was them spinning out. And you know, what? If they had those questions, kind of, you know, running through their head about their worth things like well, what if I need fertility help? What if I have to adopt? What if I have a pregnancy with difficulties? What does it mean to be an advanced maternal age mom? What is my work worth? You know, if I can't physically become a mom? And what is my worth if I just don't become a mom for whatever reason? You know, this isn't even always an age thing. So many women experience noise around the thoughts of being a mom regardless of the age. But what would you tell the women in your life or the ladies As if they were spinning in their head about these questions. Have you ever noticed how often we will bring out the brightest parts of our kindness and grace towards others, but then when we turn it back to ourselves to have that conversation with ourself, but you know, it can be an internal beatdown you know, about whether we're good enough whether we're worthy. Why is that? Why can't we bring the same kindness to ourselves? So in these scenarios, the first thing I'd like to start with, you know, when I'm working with coaching clients is just becoming aware, when you're spinning out about something, just in general going, Okay. This is running through my head over and over and over again, and then really start to separate out what is that circumstance? And, you know, versus the thoughts about that circumstance? And how can we neutralize the circumstance to really kind of understand what those thoughts are. You know, it can make a difference with being able to figure out, you know, what your thoughts are, and why you maybe are having those thoughts. For example, if we take myself as the example, I probably would have told you, after that doctor's appointment that I'm feeling deflated, because my doctor told me I'm of advanced maternal age AMA, and I'm old, and I am going to have all these problems and limitations carrying this pregnancy. But really, that is not why I was feeling deflated. The circumstance actually is pretty simple. The doctor said I was of advanced maternal age. She never said I was old or that my pregnancy was unhealthy. I just went all there in my head. And what made me feel deflated, was I had some thoughts actually about being older, and becoming a mom. And probably some thoughts about the title, advanced maternal age.

17:00

You see how that analysis works. Once I realized it's my thoughts, creating the spinning out about it, then you can start to process those thoughts and look a little more closer at them. Obviously, I ended up becoming a mom to the twin girls that I have. And it's an honor to be their mom. I know we're coming up to mother's day this week. And so I'm gonna throw some fun pics on Instagram to celebrate how they make me proud mama. But for all of you out there that are moms, Happy Mother's Day to you. And thank you guys for listening this week. And I will leave you with that. Have a fabulous day and go get after it. You got this

17:57

Hey, thanks for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode, and are a woman ready to say fuck that noise so you can start designing the balance in your life. Go take my free course to get started at Trisha barita.com/freecourse. Now Have an awesome day and I'll see you next

18:14

week.