#4 - The Polar Express Parent Meltdown

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

parent, thoughts, kids, mom, restroom, noise, fail, train, people, bathroom, situation, train station, polar express, moment, experience, ride, frustrated, cute, life, love

SPEAKERS

Trisha Barita

00:02

Hey there, I'm Trisha Barita. I'm a mother of twin girls, a wife, an entrepreneur, a psychology major, a lawyer, and a coach. With all these different roles in my life, in the past, I truly struggled with limiting beliefs in my ability to adequately juggle all these roles successfully. I often would be frustrated that time and again, I let my goals and dreams always take a backseat to everything else I was trying to do. And those dreams always seem to be on the horizon, just out of reach. Until I discovered tools and thought work to help me tackle and learn to balance all of it. Now, I don't let these titles define my limits. I define my balance in life by how I choose to show up for myself every day. Am I perfect? Hell, no, far from it. But I do work every day to believe in myself and to be present with whatever I experienced in this life, The Good, the Bad, and The Really Fucking Ugly. to own my truth and own my thoughts. I created this podcast to talk about how that noise gets in the way of our goals as women. And now I help women and teach them tools to cut the overwhelm of noise in their life preventing them from getting the balance they want. If you like this podcast and want to take my free course to get started on designing your balance and saying, 'Fuck that noise,' go to TrishaBarita.com/freecourse. Now let's get after it.

02:08

Hello, fabulous friends. So during the holidays this past year, my husband and I were taking my kids to this, like, experience to see the Polar Express. It's like a train ride that, like, plays out the parts of the story. The hot chocolate song, caribou stopping the train, Santa's first gift of Christmas stuff. Anyhow, the tickets, they were not cheap. But you know, I had read online that the kids really love this experience. So we decided to fork over the dollars so they could have this memory, which as a parent, I truly feel is um. . .  I fear that it's how all advertising works --your kids need this. Don't you want your kids to experience that? And I'm like, I don't know. I mean, is my kid gonna be emotionally scarred if they don't have this? And they're, you know, then it's like, possibly, yes. Okay, then I'm like, here's all my money.

03:16

So that's how much I love my kiddos, but, you know, anyhow, so we're lucky enough to be able to give that experience to them. But . . .so we go ahead and go, right? And when we get there it was . .  it was very cute. They gave the kids, like, a golden ticket like on the movie. And all the kids and some of the adults even are in their PJs. It was super cute. There were snowflakes on the sidewalk as we walked up the path to the little train station. No, it's not real snow, people, okay? it's December in Texas where I'm at. We use projectors on this meant to create a fake image of snow for our kids. That's what snow is for us. Anyway, it's cute, right?

04:02

So there's decorations everywhere. But while you're waiting to get on this train, okay, there's a lot of downtime. In fact, like, way too much downtime for little kids. You're in this, like, cutesy train station. And there's like cute foods and drinks for sale. But while the  . . . that really  . . . it only goes so far and so long with little kids and keeping them amused by that. My six-year-old twin girls, they were struggling, asking me over and over. I'm tired. I am bored. When are we getting on the train? And you know, the people running this show ask you to arrive an hour early. Which is of course what leads to this line of questioning from your children. And, you know, maybe it's not even questioning-- I would say interrogation--from your children.

04:04

And then  . . . and then, while we're waiting, okay, there's like these announcements coming . . .  coming along. You know, mentioning things about the train ride and then they say there's no bathrooms on the train. I'm like, wait a minute, what? And my husband I looked at each other and we were like, was that on the email? I don't remember them mentioning that. And then we of course, were like, Okay, we better take the kids to the bathroom. So we herd my two six-year-old twinnies into the restroom, which is like, full of other moms trying to do the same, right? And well, there was this one mom in a stall yelling, and I mean, not just raised voice, really yelling, like, all of us in that room felt like we were a part of this conversation she's having in this stall with what sounded like to be a three year old-ish, boy. And she's, she's telling them to go to the bathroom because there's no bathrooms on the train. And he doesn't want to go. And they're having this debate. You know? You're, like, in what you think is logical mom mode, and the kid is like, yeah, I don't care. Anyhow, the the mom seemed and appeared really angry because she really was yelling. And was clearly very, very frustrated with the situation she was in. And both my girls looked up at me with big wide eyes, and one whispered, 'That boy is in trouble.' So we just skirted the issue and just told them to hurry up so other people can use the restroom. And . . . and we went on to have a great time. The kids got their hot chocolate, they danced in the aisles of the train, and they got a special bell from Santa.

06:43

But later that night, I thought about that mom. Now, I don't know her. I never even saw her. But I think I thought of her probably because the truth of the matter is, we have all been there as parents. Little people are super cute. But they can definitely push you to the point of exhaustion and frustration when they do not want to do whatever it is you may be asking them to do. And guess what? They don't care if they are challenging you in the privacy of your living room, a family gathering, in the middle of the Target checkout, an airport security line, or--like for this mom--the bathroom at the railroad station for the Polar Express.

07:29

I even mentioned, it to my husband as the girls were asleep on the car ride home. And we both recalled, as parents, several times we had gone through those types of situations. My husband mentioned even that you really don't know all that was going on there, too. I mean, remember how I mentioned these tickets are not cheap. And maybe this mom saved up money to go to this experience. And that added to her frustration, especially discovering, like us, that there was no restrooms on a one-hour train ride, which to most adults might not be the biggest deal. But with kids . . . they aren't the best planners. So a large part of dealing with kids, especially younger kids, is planning not just for yourself, but thinking ahead about what they may need. Even the simplest of things like using the restroom. I think there can be a lot of thoughts, noise, if you will, that come along with these incidents, especially when they happen in public. What did . . . thoughts like what did I yell at my kid? Why did I yell at my kid? Losing my temper--it's not helpful. I'm a bad mom. I'm awful at this parenting stuff. What's wrong with my kid? Why do other parents have it together and I'm a mess. All those kinds of thoughts. And more, I'm sure. Why is this happening now? I think when you're working through any set of thoughts as a parent, if you have any sense of wanting to try and be a good parent, you're going to experience thoughts about what you may deem as a parent-fail.

09:13

I'd like to say it's like any other thing you tried and failed at in life. You know, maybe the first time you attempted to ride a bike or skateboard or roller skates. You attempted something at a job and, you know, thought you knocked it out of the park only to find you totally missed the mark. Or, like, you tried to follow a craft project or recipe you found on Tik Tok or Pinterest and it was a complete disaster. But actually it's not. It's not just like those because while those are all truly disappointing and frustrating moments,  parent fails? . . . they just feel so fucking personal. Here's the little person you're in charge of, like, totally responsible for. Almost like when they give me the baby to go home, or in my case two babies, for the very first time. And you're and you're like, wait, wait a minute. Is everyone . . .is everyone okay with this? I mean, I took the hospital course on strapping the kid in the car seat, but where's the instruction manual that comes with this kid. I mean, mentally preparing yourself for this responsibility. It's tricky. Because I truly believe there's no blog or book, or course that prepares you for that.

10:28

Just, like, there's no Pinterest recipe fail that prepares you for your first parent fail. First off, it's good to start off with grace for yourself in these moments. One thing I think can be helpful in this moment of frustration with the child is to just take a big deep breath, and get through it. The kid isn't a genie in a bottle that is going to grant you the likely three wishes you have as a parent in that moment. Wish number one, please do whatever I'm asking you to do. Wish number two, behave like I think a complete mature adult would do so in the exact same situation. And wish number three, please smile and hug me to stop this madness and validate that I'm awesome at parenting. No, no, my friend. In that moment, that child's gonna do the opposite of those three wishes.

11:22

 Number one, NOT do what you're asking them to do. Number two, act completely unreasonable. And number three, they will do all of this to the point where the likelihood of you losing your cool, whatever cool you had as a parent, is out the window. Ahhh, parenting.

11:41

So in those moments, or even after you experience it and are reflecting and dwelling on it later, I think . . . I think it's helpful to recognize your thoughts. You may be thinking that you're a bad mom or others are better. But that noise in your head and about how all that played out? Processing those thoughts is an important part of giving yourself grace and respecting the role of being a parent isn't being perfect. I challenge you, even though you may be tempted, but I still challenge you to not go home and drink a bunch of wine or eat a faceful ice cream and think, 'That was a crap day.' Obviously, there will be times, in the moment, where the kid is three or 33 that you say something or act a way that maybe you would like to have done it differently.

12:32

In whatever space that is. If you have thoughts about it, get them out of your head. I mean, specifically, what I'm saying is, I suggest you . .  you both get those. You think about getting those thoughts and feelings down on paper. No matter what those thoughts and feelings are-- judgey, frustrated, anger, hopelessness, defeated. Start with separating out what actually happened. And then the separate thoughts and feelings about it. Now I love guided journal prompts in this type of situation. So I actually wrote one up that you can totally download for free on my website and this episode's show notes. Just go to TrishaBarita.com forward slash podcast, forward slash the number four. I can tell you from experience, there's something about seeing it on paper that helps you realize the separation. Ask yourself, 'Could another mom or parent in a similar situation think differently?' I know in this particular situation they could. I know they could. Because when I heard that mom with three year old in the bathroom of the Polar Express Train Station experience, a lot of people were probably thinking what I was thinking: I've been there; it sucks. And having little people not listen is part of raising little people. And that's it. You don't need to feel bad about being a parent because of what you may classify as a parent fail.

14:09

What if we call it something all together anyway? Like, I don't know, loving your kid fiercely or just parenting? Now, I know I said that learning to ride a bike and failing,you know, as as a, what you would call parent-fail isn't really the same, you know? But maybe there is one thing that may be relatable about all of this to learning to riding a bike. And that would be that by working through these thoughts about yourself as a parent, you get to help pick yourself up in a way that, while you may not be prepared for the next fall or fail, you know how to handle it. And that it's okay to just do the best you can on the next ride. And I'll leave you with that. Now get after it You got this.

15:00

Hey, thanks for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode and are woman ready to say fuck that noise so you can start designing the balance in your life. So take my free course to get started at TrishaBarita.com/freecourse. Now have an awesome day and I'll see you next week.