#32 - Imperfect Mom Life

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

mom, parent, thoughts, disney world, life, kids, people, eccentric cetera, noise, ideas, trisha, expectation, mistakes, teach, perfectionist, perfect, eat, feel, define, unpredictable

SPEAKERS

Trisha Barita

00:02

Hey there, I'm Trisha Barita. I'm a mother of twin girls, a wife, an entrepreneur, a psychology major, a lawyer, and a coach. With all these different roles in my life, in the past, I truly struggled with limiting beliefs in my ability to adequately juggle all these roles successfully, I often would be frustrated that time and again, I let my goals and dreams always take a backseat to everything else I was trying to do. And those dreams always seem to be on the horizon, just out of reach. Until I discovered tools and thought work to help me tackle and learn to balance all of it. Now, I don't let these titles define my limits. I define my balance in life, by how I choose to show up for myself every day. Am I perfect? Hell no far from it. But I do work every day to believe in myself, and to be present with whatever I experienced in this life, The Good, the Bad, and The really fucking ugly. to own my truth and own my thoughts. I created this podcast to talk about how that noise gets in the way of our goals as women. And now I help women and teach them tools to cut the overwhelm of noise in their life, preventing them from getting the balance they want. If you like this podcast and want to take my free course to get started on designing your balance, and saying fuck that noise, go to Trisha barita.com, forward slash free course. Now let's get after it

02:07

Hello, fabulous friend. So today I'm talking about, you know, part of being in the imperfect mom life. I know the imperfect mom life like because who's the perfect mom? Look, when you first become a parent, or even before you become a parent, you have this like, big beautiful dream about how you're gonna, like be different than your parents. It's true, right? Like, whatever your relationship is with your parents. Okay, you are different. And, you know, you have ideas. Oh, so many ideas about what being a parent would be like, and what you'll achieve in this mysterious thing called parenthood. Especially like way before you have had kids and you're really still a kid yourself. You know, you're thinking, when I have kids, I'm gonna blank like, fill in the blank. Like, when I have kids, I'm gonna let them sleep into one on Saturdays. When I have kids, I'm going to let them eat as much junk food and candy as they want. When I have kids, I'll let them watch whatever already movies or shows they want to know when I have kids. I'm gonna let them eat pizza and mac and cheese every night. Like eccentric cetera like because basically the whole the whole premise of my colleague Hawkins like character and home alone. You know, Kevin, when he finds out that his parents are gone, you know? And when you hear that as a parent now like you know, I get it like all parents just laugh because well, you know, your ideas back then there that to parents, that's comical. Okay. First of all, it's not the main piece of parenting all most of that stuff. And second of all, it's like it just it just shows sort of a lack of like maturity right and even understanding that the the greatness that comes with the responsibility of being a parent. But then when you grow a little right and you get past that you're still in a parent but you know, you're past that I need to eat junk food and watch well movies to more something mature, but you still want to parents and then you have these like idealistic thoughts about parenting, that you're going to offer all of these things, other kinds of things for your kids as that's different, um, as mom in the way that your parents maybe did it, and you know, whether that's whether you know, how you're going to help them achieve this or that in sports or instruments, dance or whatever, extracurriculars. You know how you're going to teach them how to be a good human being. You know, eat more vegetables, wear, you know, sunscreen, like you wish you had done more as the as a kid, take care of your skin, you know, drink, drink enough water, you know, don't talk with your mouth. Full stay, please. And thank you, you know, and yes, ma'am. And yes, sir. And have them pick up after themselves, learning some organization, how to prioritize school like and choose a career path that will make them happy. But of course, one that still supports themselves. So you know, they're not living with you forever. And the whole idea that they, you're never really going to be angry, and you're going to be this like super patient mom. And that really makes mistakes, especially not ending mistakes that your parents made, you know, and be so Oh, so inspiring to your children that they hang on every word. And therefore, because they hang on every word, it carries so much weight and inspiration for them, because you're really teaching them everything you've learned that they become like the next President of the United States, or possibly Oprah, like at this point, you're pretty much good with either one. eccentric cetera add on what again, whatever, like, yeah, what I'm saying, though, I mean, there's that whole middle phase, right? Where you're not a parent, but you have these like really realistic idealistic thoughts. You may even have a partner that you're have had these discussions with, where, you know, when you're thinking about getting married, or you are married in your early years, and you're thinking about having children and everyone's got this idea, you know, of what it's gonna be like, I had them I get totally get it. But then it's fast forwarding to you becoming a mom. Okay. And you realize, what a wild, crazy, messy, scary, stressful, unpredictable vibe, parenting really is. Becoming a mom is incredible. At least it was for me. But there are parts of me that I didn't even know existed until I stepped into being a mom. things that excite me things in this life that scare the crap out of me. Doubts about what I believe, opinions, I didn't even know that I had experiences I didn't even know that I wanted. I kind of liken it to going to Disney World for the first time as an adult. And the reason I say this is like my parents never took me to Disney World. And don't feel sad for me, I live at a super blessed life. But but I'm, I'm bringing this up for a point, okay, that the first time that I went to Disney World was in my late 30s. Okay, so I live like a huge chunk of my life where I'm hearing all about Disney World, from people, other kids either other parents, other everything, okay. So I never made it there until my late 30s. And much like you hear about Disney World, like your whole life, especially if you've never been, it's, you know, it's similar to hearing what it's like to becoming a parent your whole life. It's all somewhat abstract, really, until you until you get there. And to the extent that you can imagine you decide to go to Disneyworld as an adult, and you've never ever been okay. And you This is like parenting when people are talking to you about it, at least in my opinion, is now you've heard that you've heard this is the happiest place on earth. Everyone tells you, it's amazing. They caution you though, the park may be so so big. So prepare for how much time it takes. You may be tired, they say, possibly exhausted. And they tell you Oh, and don't forget to read all about the secret ways to do things. Don't forget to you know, do that. Because then you'll be the insider with the inside knowledge because then you'll be prepared. They tell you, it's also pretty expensive, but it's totally worth it. People say you know, you'll have challenges maybe with the weather and other things, but that's okay. You may have challenges getting under the rights you want to do, but it's okay. Because it's still going to be unforgettable. I mean, all of that. I mean, it kind of just reminds me a parenting advice, you know, before you had kids. You know, and my response to all of them was like, Okay, I think I still want to do this. I mean, that's literally you know, what I thought he probably sounds worth it. Like you're kind of analyzing all the different opinions you're getting. Isn't it just like that, though? Like people are like, tell you all these crazy things about parenting and then they're like, Oh, you totally want to do is the most amazing thing ever. And you're like, okay, and it's hard because once you become a parent, you really can't it's hard to go back to like remembering what it was like when you weren't a parent. And so it is sort of like this sort of break in this in this piece of your life the before and the after. So So anyway, there you go. Okay, and you decided to say started to go right? Like, okay, and you're going to become a mom, what's again, like going to Disney World because, first of all, when you get there, right, we come along. It's beautiful and special and magical, just like you imagined. But the weather, it's much more unpredictable than anyone told you. And the park, it's much bigger than you could have imagined. And let's say like in motherhood, okay, that you get on a new roller coaster there that nobody told you the details about, but it's mandatory that you write it. And all of a sudden, on this roller coaster, there are all these twists and turns no one mentioned. And you're plunged into like a tunnel with strange sounds and dips, and all of a sudden, you come into the light, and you're so high in the sky, you can see everything. And you can't imagine anything more beautiful. Only to be thrown in a couple of loops, and then back into a dark tunnel. Oh, and imagine doing all of this while you're holding your heart outside your body and try not to let it go and get injured and fall out of the cart. Oh, and there's an announcement over the loudspeaker that this ride doesn't ever end. So hold on tight. I know it's a crazy analogy. But that is what I feel like being a mom is like.

11:18

But even though you know how wildly amazing, exhausting and heart wrenching mom life can be now, you still probably have ideas about how you will be different. You will parent different than the generation before you. And you know what, I think that's okay. I know some people say okay, well, I would have the exact same childhood and upbringing that I had for myself and repeat that for my kiddos. But I want to say things like the majority of people think there's something at least that they would want to do different. You know, I think most moms say I want to give this opportunity or create this type of home life or offer this type of nutrition differently for my children or, you know, give them opportunities in some different extracurricular or something for your kids. different education, different inspiration, something different than the way you were raised. You know, of course, of course, always picking the traditions that you do like from when you were raised from your childhood and carry those on. Look, it's how we evolve, right? I mean, thinking I'll be better, I'll be different than the generation before you. But somehow you can have these thoughts that you're going to be better. And it turns into this, like, more perfect at this mom stuff than the generation before you. Like you're going to be this like, perfect mom. Whatever that is, okay, so but as you've entered into life, as a mom, you realize quickly that you're gonna make mistakes. And you make mistakes, you make a lot of mistakes, you have hiccups, you have downright disastrous screw ups and being a mom. And that's the thing your home alone, I got big ideas about what parenting past self never really would listen to or understand. You know, sometimes when you experience these big mistakes, you feel like you're failing. You know, you're not doing that great of a job. And why do you feel that way? I mean, look, one of the most fascinating things about the psychology of our mind and one of the reasons I went and got a degree in psychology is because I was so interested in this is that we can be faced with like one realistic thought, and then Pair that with some wildly unrealistic unachievable expectation. For example, on the one hand, you realize that being a mom is not the glorified perfect Disney World trip you thought it would be and there are so many unpredictable parts of it all that navigating it perfectly, when so much of it is out of your control is virtually impossible. But you pair that with the expectation of moms and yourself to be perfect at it. One of the things that I coach on and discuss with my members inside the design your balanced membership is that it's okay to remember you aren't always going to be the perfect mom. I mean perfection is defined as the condition state or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. Well that's a pretty fucking ridiculous standard for any mom. Yeah, even though as I'm saying this and we all agree that's a crazy standard. These thoughts of perfection still come up for every mom. And when I coach on this I talk a lot about how the idea of just eliminating these thoughts is not always the next best step for you to work through this perfectionist mom ideal in your head. You sometimes we rush so fast into trying to change things change this thought we were like forcing like you know, the round peg in a square hole, like trying to be this different Any person trying to have this like, I'm not going to feel that thing. And it doesn't work because it's just not naturally how the psychology of your brain works. You know, I talk about to my members, the first steps when we're working on this is just understanding what you do with these thoughts when they do come up, kind of like you're an investigator just sitting back for a second going, okay, just this XYZ thing happened, I'm having this thought about how I, I'm not great at this mom stuff, or I should be more perfect or whatever it is. And what do you do with that? What do you do when that thought comes up? Do you spiral down that you're not good enough? Do you compare yourself to other moms? Do you question yourself and your identity as a mom? Do you go like read a million blogs still try to feel better? Or try to get some answers on social media somewhere? Like, do you call your girlfriends? Like, what exactly do you do when this happens? And being a mom is like so personal, like how you see yourself in that role? It's, it's very easy, I think, to get a lot of perfectionist thoughts weigh in on whether you're good at this mom stuff. I mean, love social media about being a mom, like some of the things mom's most it's just hilarious. Like, I saw this one where this mom has this, like, powerful like Rocky type. I'm gonna take over the world song. And it was like, I don't remember exactly exactly which song it was, but it was like, and then she posts like, and she's like, stand there, like, look, and like, Yeah, I'm awesome. And it was like, it says, like, how I feel when I load up my kids and all their crap and finish taking them to school on time. Like, nailed it. I mean, what is it that was being a mom was like, one minute, you're like, I'm a boss, I got this parent, you shut down. And then the next minute, you're like, Wow, I'm like the worst mom. Oh, I think early on in the scene in the movie, like Bad Moms have you've ever seen the first one? Like there's a bake sale at the school. And you know, like a lot of the moms had like some amazing like homemade goods. I think there's like one snooty mom, right? That's like, expecting that of all the moms and, and the bad mom like rolls in like no apologies with a straight up plastic card. And I'm doughnuts from the gas station. She's like, not caring at all. And claiming, you know, look, if it raises money, and people buy them, what doesn't matter? It's so funny. Because if you were a dude, you would probably be like, I'm super proud. I remember the bake sale and to bring something. But now moms? No, no, we're all like, I need to roll up in here like Vogue and Martha Stewart, like this, right? And everyone says for moms to me, like more kind of themselves, you see posted all the time, people are like, oh, yeah, like just, you know, be kind yourself, you know, you're doing great. But the truth is, is that the noise surrounding me and the perfect mom, it's freaking loud out there. Like it comes from everywhere. And the only thing you can do as a mom is to just realize it's just noise. It doesn't define how badass you are as a mom. And you letting the noise define what kind of mom you are. From everywhere, including inside your own head, based on expectations of perfection, is only giving power to the idea that perfection was something any mom has ever achieved. anywhere on this earth. There will be days when you feel like you could have done things different. Right said things different, showed up different but ask yourself this one question in those days. Do you love your kids? If the answer is yes, then maybe lean into showing them love. And recognize that it's in those moments. When you are imperfect. That you can teach your children how to make mistakes. How to admit when you're wrong, how to communicate different opinions, I don't know in a respectful way. When that'd be wonderful for the world. How to Say you're sorry, how to forgive. You know how how to love your children in so many different ways from giving guidance to being their cheerleader, and how living the imperfect mom life and still showing up with kindness for yourself, is the real goal to being the perfect mom. If you embrace that, and teach that, isn't that a much more powerful lesson than passing on to the next generation of moms, some unattainable expectation that being flawless is what a real perfect mom looks like. And I'll leave you with that. Now go get after it. You got this

19:52

Hey, thanks for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode, and are a woman ready to say fuck that noise, so you can start designing the balance In your life, go take my free course to get started at Trisha barita.com Ford slash free course. Now Have an awesome day and I'll see you next week.