#25 - Who Defines Your Self-Worth?

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

bob, thoughts, life, pool, stranger, define, trisha, noise, big lebowski, bet, power, moment, worth, money, give, material, approached, play, feel, balance

SPEAKERS

Trisha Barita

00:02

Hey there, I'm Trisha Barita. I'm a mother of twin girls, a wife, an entrepreneur, a psychology major, a lawyer, and a coach. With all these different roles in my life, in the past, I truly struggled with limiting beliefs in my ability to adequately juggle all these roles successfully, I often would be frustrated that time and again, I let my goals and dreams always take a backseat to everything else I was trying to do. And those dreams always seem to be on the horizon, just out of reach. Until I discovered tools and thought work to help me tackle and learn to balance all of it. Now, I don't let these titles define my limits. I define my balance in life, by how I choose to show up for myself every day. Am I perfect? Hell no far from it. But I do work every day to believe in myself, and to be present with whatever I experienced in this life, The Good, the Bad, and The really fucking ugly. to own my truth and own my thoughts. I created this podcast to talk about how that noise gets in the way of our goals as women. And now I help women and teach them tools to cut the overwhelm of noise in their life, preventing them from getting the balance they want. If you like this podcast and want to take my free course to get started on designing your balance, and saying fuck that noise, go to Trisha barita.com forward slash free course. Now let's get after it.

02:07

Hello, fabulous friends. So I think today's topic is so vital. By just starting to recognize if you're letting others define your self worth, it can creep up on you in a way that can be full of self sabotaging tape thoughts. For me, it was something I did not realize that I was even doing when I did it. So let me tell you a scenario that I think speaks to this topic. Okay. So let's just say you go to a pool hall, and even if you don't play pool, just go with me on this. Okay, so say you go to a pool hall, and you're playing pool with Bob. Okay. And you get approached by some dude. And he says, Hey, we would like to play you at a game of pool for some money. And you turn to the dude. And, and this is not the Big Lebowski. Although maybe it should have been. Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about. Please go watch the cold classic big Lewandowski movie this weekend. It's pretty funny. And, and pretty. Pretty ridiculous. So anyway, but anybody again, this is not the Big Lebowski. So again, some dude approaches you and he says, Hey, we would like to play you at a game of pool for some money. And you turn to the dude and you say, You know what, I will take that bet. Except I'm not gonna play Bob is gonna play. But I'm gonna bet all the money I have to my name, X amount of money that Bob will win. Then you give your you know, give Bob your custom pool stick in shock and, and you give Bob all of your money, which you just so happen to have on you. And you think this is going to be fine. Bob was like the best pool player, I know he's totally gonna win. Or you're thinking Bob's my best friend, or my boyfriend or husband or my brother or my parents. And they love me. So they know that since I'm betting all the money I have to my name. They will not lose this game of pool. Even tell Bob. Bob, this is really important to me. I'm counting on you. I know you're probably thinking, Where are you going with this? Tricia? Well, hold on, hold on. I mean, I just want to ask you how many of you would do this in this scenario? How many of you would give all the money into your name? Your life savings, the money to feed your family? The money to pay rent or mortgage? Your children's college fund? your bucket list? travel money, or retirement money? I mean, all of it. Okay, whatever you have to Bob Okay, in this game of pool, who whoever this bob is to you, right? You may be thinking, well, maybe I would do this Trisha. Bob is a really good pool player. He knows things. He has skills besides he loves me. And he knows how important this is to me. And maybe all that's true. Let's even say Bob is a world class pool player. I'll give you that. Okay? What would you say then? It's tempting, right? But even if he's a world class pool player and loves you more than anything in the world, is that 100% chance to Bob wins. That he's right that he thinks he'll win. I mean, Bob could have a bad day. Or Bob may not feel like playing pool that day. So he barely tries. Or maybe Bob's frustrated you put him in this position? Or maybe Bob does love you for all you are. But Bob has bad luck that day. And what if we add to that pot, that you're not just betting all the money, right? You're also betting the note on your car, your house, whatever other material value you have. Yeah, everything. Again, this may seem like a silly scenario, but I want you to imagine just handing over all that power, about your future and your life to someone else. I want to ask you, would you do it? Let me ask you an even different question. What if you didn't know Bob at all? What if you met Bob five minutes before the dude approached you with this proposition? Then what would you do? Would you agree? You're probably thinking, Well, hell no. I'm not giving Bob the stranger my life savings, all the money in my name, the money to feed my family the money to pay rent or mortgage, my children's college fund my bucket list travel or retirement money. The note on my car, the house and whatever material value I have. No, I'm not going to bet on some person. I don't know in this game of pool tertia, obviously. And you know what I say? Exactly. If you were even debating giving all the money to the Bob, who was a world class pool player, and who loves you more than anything in the world. Unless you're crazy in a gambling your life's material worth, I'm guessing you're definitely thinking you won't be handing it over all to the Bob, the hypothetical stranger that you met five minutes ago, right? So I just explained someone who doesn't know you, and someone who loves you, or you believe in you believe loves you, and you love them. And I want you to consider how if you won't give either of those Bob's scenarios your material worth to bet on in a game of pool? Then why would you ever give them something more valuable than all the money and material worth to your name to this hypothetical stranger Bob or hypothetical Bob you love and loves you. Because letting someone else define your worth, a stranger person or a loved one is doing just that. You see, when you give all the power away about what you are worth, you let someone else define your past, your present, and your future. How you define yourself worth the concept of what you think you are worthy of, there's no amount of money equal to that. I bucket this into two categories. As you can see the people who don't, who we feel don't know us, and the people we love. And there may be more categories. But I think it's just makes it easier to break it into these two when you're thinking about this concept. So the people we feel don't know us will say things about our value, they really will say things about our value to them. They'll say things about our value to other people. And they'll say things about what they think our value is to this world. These people that don't know us. This could be some stranger on the internet commenting on a post, a co worker, someone at a sporting event that you run into a guest at a holiday party and acquaintance you meet at any event. You may tell them, you know in a brief moment of who you are and what you do, and they say something back to you about who you are and what you do, and what you perceive as like their value of you. And you may tell yourself in that moment, this hurts your feelings, because it doesn't feel good. And I'll switch over to the people we love. Because you know what they will also say things about our value, our value to them, what they think of our value to other people, what they think of our value in this world. parents, friends, spouses, siblings, our children. And you may tell yourself in that moment, that that that hurts your feelings as well, because it doesn't feel good. In fact, it can feel awful. I think even different in a different way that when someone you feel doesn't know you says something about your value. But why I mean Why does it feel that way? Look, I get it. I've had people that I love told me that my choices were not what they agree with. I've had people I love very much told me that I won't amount to anything, for whatever reason. In all honesty, some of them believed what they were saying, I think, and some of them were scared, because I was doing something that made them feel uncomfortable. It doesn't really matter why they did it. I know you're thinking this moment, it does matter. But really, truly, it doesn't. And in those moments, for myself, you know, I did sit with those thoughts for a long time, because I didn't understand that they could be separate from my true worthiness and value in life. I thought, This person loves me, they must know what they're talking about. But they didn't. And you know what I say now, I say, fuck that noise. And in order to pick myself up out of their thoughts, to truly realize that I had nothing to prove otherwise, I had to do one main thing. I had to realize I gave my power to them, when I allowed them to define my self worth, that's on me. And if you're going to allow them to define your worth, that's on you. Because you're giving your power away. When you do that. You can spend a lot of energy in life, blaming other things, for how you feel. Or you can take the narrative back. The first way to take your power back, is to stop letting others measure what you're worthy of in this life, is taking responsibility for your narrative. I use the tool thought downloads to explain in Episode 21 of this podcast in those moments, a lot of feelings and thoughts come up. And rather than react, I tried to dump it out of my brain. So I could just get a clearer look at it. But I have to tell you, you know, I've told you before that writing down your thoughts, is, you know, the first step, you know, in seeing

12:06

that your thoughts are entirely within your power, but then you have to process them to, you have to go through the feelings that are coming up from them. You know, all the things. I'm not saying things don't feel like they hurt, I'm saying you probably have more power of them than you realize. So I want you to remember this one thing. Whoever the heck, Bob stranger or Bob, the loved one is to you, whoever said what they said about your worth in this world. Whoever you gave your power to, you can take it back today. And if you find yourself in a situation in the future, or if in this moment, you're remembering where you've done that in the past, and it still causes you pain today. Remember, you always have the power to take it back today. Before you let your thoughts spiral into a record player playing a song on repeat of how you're not worthy because someone told you you're not remember your power to take back the narrative and define who you are. And I'll leave you with that. Now go get after it. You got this

13:19

Hey, thanks for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode, and are a woman ready to say fuck that noise, so you can start designing the balance in your life. Go take my free course to get started at Trisha barita.com forward slash free course. Now Have an awesome day and I'll see you next week.